Daughter, cease and desist acting like a teenager
by W. Bruce Cameron
Dear Teenage Daughter: You are to Cease and Desist acting like a teenage daughter.
It is summer, and you have begun wearing an inadequate amount of clothing. Most offensive is your bikini, a bathing suit named after the Bikini Islands, where the United States tested 23 nuclear weapons. I think we can both agree that nuclear explosions are not a good thing to have in the house or, worse, out in public where boys can see them. One of the nuclear tests at the Bikini Islands inspired the movie “Godzilla,” which is about a fire-breathing monster. If you do not want to see your father become a fire-breathing monster, you will Cease and Desist wearing your bikini.
I gave you a very nice parka for Christmas that does what clothing is supposed to do, which is to conceal the body from predators like this boy who has been hanging around, “Matt.” When you wear your bulky parka, you look very pleasingly like a refrigerator in bubble wrap. This is a good look for you. When Matt comes over and you are wearing your bikini, he wants to put sunblock on your back, which would not be necessary if you wore your parka, which has a very high SPF.
Also not necessary is Matt. He has fur growing from his face and appears to be molting. A “Mat” is something you step on. If he doesn’t stop putting sunblock on your back, he will be stepped on by a fire-breathing monster. You will Cease and Desist inviting Matt over, or I will Cease and Desist him.
Matt seems to think I am joking when I scowl at him sitting next to you on the couch and suggest he might be more comfortable if he moved to New Jersey. Please tell him that you can tell when I’m joking because people are laughing. When I talk to him, he’s the only one who laughs, and he doesn’t count as a people. He’s a Matt.
Because it is summer, you and your friends like to have campfires and sit around and roast marshmallows. You say you don’t want your father to be there at these parties, but you are mistaken. Campfires are always more fun with a dad present. Plus, if I’m there, I can keep an eye on Matt, who probably thinks you need sunblock to protect you from the fire. If I’m there, Matt needs something to protect him from the fire. He seems to believe that even though there is a campfire right in front of you, you require him to hug you to stay warm. No, Matt, she requires a parka to stay warm. What you must do is Cease and Desist with all the touching.
Clearly Matt needs to catch up on his “Godzilla” movies so that he can understand that an angry father can level Tokyo. I do not want him saying, ” ‘Sup, Bruce?” to me; I want him screaming and running away in terror.
When Matt drops you off, he walks you to the door and then the two of you say goodnight in a most inappropriate fashion. He’s not going off to war, for heaven’s sake — we can’t even get him to go to New Jersey! You’ll see him the next day because apparently he has nothing to do all summer but come over here and infest our family. I find his presence and his existence objectionable and decree that forthwith he should Cease and Desist both.
I also don’t like it when your girlfriends come over and you all lie around in the backyard like sloths in bikinis. This creates what is called in legal terms “an attractive nuisance” and brings in swarms of Matt-like creatures. Having teenage boys descend on the backyard like a horde of locusts is why God gave us sprinkler systems. I’m sorry if your friends got wet, but I’ll note that it wouldn’t have happened if they’d been wearing parkas. Your friends should Cease and Desist coming over here and attracting boys with their outfits.
Failure to respond appropriately to this Cease and Desist order may result in punishment to the full extent of Dad.